Facing the Feelings AF

Today is Day 16 since giving up my beloved wine. The first ten days were the worst. I felt like someone had run me over with a MACK truck. I had zero energy, my head was foggy, I couldn't sleep at night, which made the lack of energy even worse. 

I know that it was my body detoxing and getting rid of all the accumulated nastiness that had been building for so long. I was actually really surprised it took that long before it was out of my system. I had quit for 28 days in Spring of 2016 and I don't remember having gone through all of that. I'm just glad that it's behind me and don't want to go through it again. 

The only thing is now that all that is out, I'm left with having to feel all the feelings that I used alcohol to avoid. All kinds of memories of the verbal and physical abuse and attacks from my late husband have come crashing down on me and I don't know what to do with them. He's not here anymore to yell at and ask why. Why did you have to be so mean? Why wasn't I enough to give up drinking for? Why couldn't you have come to bed with me that night instead of drinking and hitting your head and then dying? Why? Why? Why?

I have no escape. I see a therapist and she tells me it was him and not me. For some reason, that doesn't comfort me. It would be so easy to fall back into the bottle and just not feel. But, I'm not! 

I'm actually trying to channel all the hurt feelings and especially the attacks about my weight and looks to win. Win at spending the rest of this life the best I can. 

But, man, it's hard....

Easing off the couch

Part of getting to Lusciousness is getting into shape. I'm starting from ground zero here, maybe even below ground zero. At 50, I now have things like osteoarthritis to contend with. So, as much as I'd love to run out and join a Crossfit club or become a Mudder Runner, I know it's safer and better for me to start of slow and steady. 

I've turned to my old friend Leslie Sansone to help me here. Leslie has many videos you can do in the comfort of your own home. The series I started with is called Walk Away the Pounds. Right now, I'm traveling for work so this is working perfectly for me since I can stream the video from Netflix Prime and walk in my hotel room.

My plan is to introduce strength training with weights next week when I'm back home and I can go to my gym. I will probably still do the walking videos, do some elliptical time and the weights. That should help rev up my metabolism! Vvvvvrrrooom! 

And away we go!

I'm finally taking that leap into the unknown and putting down in writing what's been swirling around in my little mind for some time. 

I decided to blog to have somewhere to park my thoughts and chronicle my transformation from an overweight, alcohol dependent, sedentary 50 year old to a fit, fabulous, sober diva! I know this journey will never end and I'm glad the journey has started. 

I recently went to my primary doctor and after years of struggling with several health issues that really impeded my ability to lose weight (steroids, inflammation) and was given a glowing health report. I now had no health excuses for not losing the excess weight. I eat very healthy (clean) and track my calories and macros. The big fat glaring fact staring me in the face was that I was consuming about 600 empty calories a day from my evening bottle of wine and my butt was sitting more than it was moving. I had to be fearlessly honest with myself and I had to do something about it. That was the first time that wanting to be fit and slim was something I wanted so bad, I was willing to give up my beloved best friend, red wine. 

As of today, I haven't been drinking for two weeks. I'll be honest, it has not been easy! For the first week, I holed up in my house and didn't go much of anywhere just to avoid any triggers. I read all kinds of articles and books on the subject and joined an online forum (thisnakedmind.com) for support. I've since ventured out. 

The books (all available on Amazon) I read were:

• Kick the Drink Easily by Jason Vale
• The Sober Revolution by Lucy Rocca
• Sober is the New Black by Rachel Black
• A Happier Hour by Rebecca Weller
• This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

I've at known for some time that when you drink alcohol, your liver immediately uses the alcohol as fuel first and parks any other calories until it's burned through the alcohol. A lot of times, those extra calories get parked in fat cells. If you are continually refueling with quick burning fuel (alcohol), your system never gets around to burning the fat. The next thing you know, you've packed on the pounds! Did that knowledge stop me from drinking? Heck no. It took vanity to finally make me mad enough about the situation to change. 

Since I stopped drinking, I immediately dropped 7.5 pounds of sheer fluid retention/bloat. I've lost another half pound of what I'd consider real weight. You've heard of beer belly? There is definitely the concept of a wine belly and I'm out to lose mine. 

If you happen to run across this and are looking for help to drink drinking or on your own journey to go from fat and frumpy to fit and fabulous, say hi! 

D.