Facing the Feelings AF

Today is Day 16 since giving up my beloved wine. The first ten days were the worst. I felt like someone had run me over with a MACK truck. I had zero energy, my head was foggy, I couldn't sleep at night, which made the lack of energy even worse. 

I know that it was my body detoxing and getting rid of all the accumulated nastiness that had been building for so long. I was actually really surprised it took that long before it was out of my system. I had quit for 28 days in Spring of 2016 and I don't remember having gone through all of that. I'm just glad that it's behind me and don't want to go through it again. 

The only thing is now that all that is out, I'm left with having to feel all the feelings that I used alcohol to avoid. All kinds of memories of the verbal and physical abuse and attacks from my late husband have come crashing down on me and I don't know what to do with them. He's not here anymore to yell at and ask why. Why did you have to be so mean? Why wasn't I enough to give up drinking for? Why couldn't you have come to bed with me that night instead of drinking and hitting your head and then dying? Why? Why? Why?

I have no escape. I see a therapist and she tells me it was him and not me. For some reason, that doesn't comfort me. It would be so easy to fall back into the bottle and just not feel. But, I'm not! 

I'm actually trying to channel all the hurt feelings and especially the attacks about my weight and looks to win. Win at spending the rest of this life the best I can. 

But, man, it's hard....